Utumishi Blog

The definition of marriage is a big issue of debate in the UK and US at the moment. In East Africa we might imagine that the traditional definition of marriage is much more stable and not under threat in the same way. Gay marriage is not on the horizon. But actually the ‘traditional’ definition of marriage is not at all traditional here (it has a comparatively short history) and the institution of one man and one woman in exclusive covenant is under many pressures – polygamy (whether formalised or informal mpango wa kando), a high and growing divorce rate, high rates of pre- and extra-marital sexual activity, ‘come we stay’ relationships, social expectation to have a flashy wedding, have children, submit to in-laws etc., and the common pressure of geographical separation for employment.

Why is this so important? Well, as Ken Mbugua has noted in a great post, there are vital connections between our understanding of marriage and our understanding of the gospel and the Trinity (my friend Nick Franks makes a similar point powerfully here). If we don’t understand marriage we won’t understand the gospel or God himself, and we won’t understand marriage until we understand the beautiful Triune nature of God or the gospel doctrines of grace and justification and sacrifice and union with Christ. I wonder whether we need to teach both marriage and salvation simultaneously, interweaved – which, come to think of it, is exactly what Paul does in Ephesians 5 and sounds like what Ken has been doing in South Sudan.

Some resources…

There are 4 books I’ve found really helpful – I’ll review the first two below and I’ll do two more in another post:

1.  John Piper, This Momentary Marriage: A parable of permanence, IVP: 2009. Brilliant stuff, compelling to read, free to download, very well summarised by Christine Auma:

I read that book and my perception towards marriage was changed. I realized that getting married is not the highest point of life! It is actually a very momentary gift that God gives to us and not entirely everyone! You may or may not experience this gift! The purpose of marriage is that it puts on display the greatest and most glorious marriage there ever was and ever will be: Christ and his Bride the Church. It is actually not about us but God!! He gives us the grace to display his amazing love and covenant keeping to his Bride.

That’s Piper’s big point – marriage is a parable of the gospel – and so it’s about covenant-keeping not first and foremost about gushy lovey feelings. And as Christine mentioned there’s some brilliant stuff on singleness – counter-cultural anywhere in the world but particularly here. Other great insights:

• Six very helpful points on what submission is not from 1 Peter 3:1-6 (p. 99-101).
• Chapter 11: ‘Sex and Faith’ – the most amazing stuff I’ve ever read on the subject with section headings like, ‘defeating Satan with frequent sex’.
• The danger of anger in parenting and the general point that ‘anger devours other emotions’ (p. 150) – so true.
• The argument – that was new to me – that the divorce ‘exception clause’ (Matt. 19:9) may well refer to fornication during betrothal (as presumed in Matt. 1:19) rather than adultery during marriage.

My only quibbles would be very minor. On one or two occasions I find it hard to follow Piper’s reasoning – e.g. I’m not quite sure how he gets to all the stuff in chapter 7 about the practice of being ‘lionhearted and lamblike’ as a husband; and on the role of procreation under the new covenant I think I’m more convinced by Christopher Ash. But these are tiny things. Basically this is Piper at his best – Gospel-centred, fresh, mind-blowing, life-changing exposition.

2. Christopher Ash, Marriage: Sex in the service of God, IVP: 2003.

This is a thicker book interacting with a lot of material at quite a serious level – not really a bedtime read. But again brilliant stuff and well written. Lots of careful Biblical argument. Lots of insightful cultural analysis (‘the churning of partners’). Lots of gospel. He’s making a number of really important points. Here are three that really struck me:

Marriage is not primarily about dealing with loneliness, it is about serving God. Ash goes to the much quoted, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18) and shows (I think convincingly) that it must be read in relation to Gen. 2:15 – the work that Adam had been given. The “helper fit for him” is a helper – to help with the work. As my old pastor used to say, “The problem was not that Adam was lonely but that he was incompetent.” If marriage was God’s cure for loneliness the single would be condemned to lifelong loneliness but God has other remedies for loneliness – friendship, church, relationship with Him. Ash shows that marriage cannot bear the load of expectation that we put on it when we expect it to perfectly fulfil all our relational/intimacy/loneliness needs. A ‘couple-focussed’ introverted marriage which seeks relational satisfaction as its greatest goal becomes idolatrous and self-destructive. Rather, Ash argues the great goal of marriage is the service of God and all the other ‘goods’ of marriage line up under that one:

A non-Christian marriage is just as much a marriage as a Christian marriage. Ash gets to this point from a discussion of the objectiveness of biblical ethics as woven into the fabric of creation itself:

Marriage is an ordinance of creation not a regulation of the church; it may be entered outside the sphere of faith… Couples may have different levels of understanding of the purposes for which marriage was ordained, but those who know neither the creation origins nor the redemptive significance of marriage may yet marry. And when they marry, they marry; they do not partially marry because they are outside the boundaries of the church, and they do not marry in some superior way if they are within. (p. 75)

I think this is an area of quite a lot of confusion in our context here. Certainly it is good and fitting if believers marry in the presence of their church family. And it’s nice to have the pastor conducting the ceremony and reminding us of God’s gift and pattern and purpose in marriage. But we need to say that a couple going to a civil registrar to get legally married and then consummating that marriage in a physical one-flesh union (which Ash argues strongly is intrinsic to / even synonymous with marriage) are joined together by God just as strongly as the born again couple who have a church wedding.

Marriage is not really under threat – our society is. This again flows from the objectiveness of the created order and is very relevant in the current debate in the West:

We are not defending the institution of marriage, as though the God-given institution of marriage were under ontological threat [i.e. of ceasing to exist]. If ethical systems were [only ever] voluntarist constructs [i.e. man-made], that is indeed what we would be doing, engaging in a power struggle for the convictions of people. But it is not within the power of humankind finally to destroy created [moral] order… It stands above human history and the human will, and finally it will be restored and transformed in the new heavens and earth… No Christian movement needs to defend marriage: rather we seek to protect human beings against the damage done to them by cutting against the grain of the order of marriage. (p. 82)

There are loads of other helpful things in the book – e.g. careful biblical work exegesis and word studies on headship and submission, fornication and adultery. And, wonderfully, Ash has condensed the most important stuff into a much shorter, very readable book, free of academic argument, with helpful study questions at the end of each chapter. A great book to read as a couple in marriage prep or as a marriage refresher: Married for God, IVP: 2007.