Utumishi Blog

The ‘target diagram’ has been a staple of evangelical wisdom for a long time. It is a pattern of priorities – Jesus first, then marriage, then children, then work – and it’s a model of healthy Christian living – my relationship with Jesus overflows into my relationship with my wife; our marriage relationship overflows into our parenting; our family life overflows into our work. If the core is healthy then so are the outer layers and the opposite is true.

Recently the target diagram has been criticised recently in some quarters – and certainly it shouldn’t be taken as a simple formula for making every decision – but basically it holds up as a very helpful model. For one thing it closely resembles the way Paul orders his letter to the Ephesians – first Jesus and the church (Eph. 1:1-5:21), then wives and husbands (Eph. 5:22-33), then children and parents (Eph. 6:1-4), then slaves and masters (Eph. 6:5-9).

Even more significant than just the order in which Paul deals with these things in his letter are the differences between the permanence, commitment and nature of the different relationships which form a sort of hierarchy:

1. Jesus & The Church – The relationship between the church and Christ is eternal and indestructible. We have been chosen in Christ before creation. In his death he has destroyed all dividing walls, uniting us to himself, to God and to one another. The ‘calling’ in Ephesians (4:1) is simply this calling of the gospel. One of the main arguments of Ephesians is that the Christ-Church union is the great reality that will one day fill the universe. So this Christ relationship is the central, unbreakable one and it is not just about solo quiet times it’s about being part of the church united together to him. There is no higher or more lasting ‘belonging’ than this.
2. Marriage – The relationship between husbands and wives, unlike that between Christ and the church, is temporary. We all start life unmarried, it is dissolvable by the death of one member and there will be no marriage in heaven or the New Creation. Some Christians will not get married at all. Unlike the Christ-union it is not essential to be a fully whole human being and child of God. However, it is next in rank to the Christ-Church union for the very reason that it is modelled on it (Eph. 5:32). It is to be absolutely faithful, exclusive, complete commitment, full of whole-life-laying-down love, oneness.
3. Children – Parenting is also a temporary thing. It begins at the birth of a child (or adoption) and is ended by death. In fact the intensive responsibility of ‘discipline’ and ‘instruction’ lasts only while the child is a relatively young child (though of course there is an on-going dimension to parenting). Parenthood is not essential to a marriage in the sense that a marriage is still a valid whole and complete marriage before, after, and in the absence of children. Furthermore, the child-parent relationship doesn’t have the oneness of marriage. However, it is a tremendously important unconditional commitment of love-obedience, a great privilege and joy, modelled on the relationship between Father and Son in the Godhead, never to be abandoned.
4. Work – Last of all comes work. Noble though it is. God-like and God-given as it is. Essential though it is for those who can to work hard and provide for their families and serve others. Work is for a season of life – we don’t expect babies and the elderly to work. It can also be prevented by illness or disability. And it is for only part of each day, part of each week, part of each year. It is taken up and laid down. It is not essential to our identity. It is not our ‘calling’. We are to work at whatever we are doing (whether church work or cleaning or carpentry) with all our hearts, loyally, lovingly but unlike Christ, the church, marriage and parenthood, it is permissible to walk away from a job (1 Cor. 7:22).

There are obviously a lot of implications that flow from this in terms of ministry, mission, family life. One that was noted by a commenter on this blog a while ago:

One high-profile church leader I knew used to say to his wife, ‘If you feel I am not looking after you because of my ministry, I will hand in my notice.’ Others I know neglect their wives (in my opinion) because they have a ‘calling’ from God to a specific ministry, and all else must be sacrificed for that. Which is right?

What do you think? What other challenges are there for us in our context and cultures? If we were to draw the diagram in terms of our actual priorities and level of commitment, how would it look?